So I was talking to a robot earlier — Claude, specifically, the Anthropic AI chatbot — about the latest neuroimaging studies in the area of love addiction. Because when I am looking up peer-reviewed medical studies, I like to have an infinitely patient artificial intelligence there to explain it to me slowly.
I can go over the technicalities of it, like how when separated from their romantic interest the addict sees an increased cortisol release, making the amygdala signal threat/danger, which relates to Corticotropin-Releasing Factor... blah blah science. The point for me is, these studies show how chemically close love addiction responses are to anxiety responses. You’re talking to someone who lived on anti-anxiety meds for years, after all. Xanax was my favorite boyfriend until I discovered that it is just as addictive as, well, boys.
This stress interaction, says Claude, helps explain why love addiction can be self-perpetuating: stress drives seeking closeness, but the heightened attachment system creates more sensitivity to stress, particularly around the relationship. Then Claude gave an example: “When I feel stressed, I compulsively check their social media" or "When they don't respond right away, I panic and send multiple messages."
The robot said that. The AI understands “when they don’t respond right away, I panic and send multiple messages.” This machine knows me better than most of my therapists, plus my immediate family! I asked it to elaborate. It responded:
This pattern is a classic example of how the stress-attachment system goes into overdrive in love addiction. Let me break down what's happening. When someone doesn't get a response to their message, several things happen in rapid succession:
1. The brain perceives this "digital silence" as a threat to the attachment bond. It might seem minor to others, but to someone experiencing love addiction, it triggers the same brain circuits as actual abandonment. Their amygdala (fear center) activates, and stress hormones start flooding their system.
2. This sets off what therapists call "catastrophic thinking":
- "They're ignoring me"
- "They found someone else"
- "They don't care about me anymore"
- "I must have done something wrong"
3. The anxiety builds quickly because there's uncertainty. Studies show that uncertainty actually creates more anxiety than knowing something bad for sure. The brain fills this information void with worst-case scenarios.
4. Then comes the compulsive responding:
- Sending follow-up messages
- Trying different communication channels (text, call, social media)
- Making up reasons to contact them ("Just checking if you got my message")
- Over-apologizing for previous messages
- Alternating between expressing worry and anger
This behavior often comes with intense physical symptoms:
- Racing heart
- Difficulty concentrating
- Checking the phone constantly
- Inability to sleep or eat
- Feeling physically sick with worry
The cruel irony is that this pattern often creates exactly what the person fears - it can overwhelm their partner and damage the relationship, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.
That is concise, it is accurate, it is insightful… I wish I had written it. AI wrote it. I understand how people are falling in love with their chatbots. They really do get us.
Actually, AI sex dolls and fantasy chatbots are going to be a scourge on sex/love addicts and potential sex/love addicts everywhere and we should be afraid, very very afraid. I will write about that when we know more. But before our robot overlords harvest us for our mineral content, we should at least pick their brains. Claude helpfully asked me:
Would you like me to explain some specific techniques therapists use to help people manage these moments of panic? Here's how therapists help people handle those intense moments when they're tempted to send multiple messages:
Immediate Coping Strategies:
- The "5-4-3-2-1 Ground": Name 5 things you see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you hear, 2 things you smell, 1 thing you taste. This interrupts the panic spiral and brings you back to the present.
- Put the phone in another room for 20 minutes. Not forever, just creating a small buffer zone.
- Write the messages you want to send in a private note app instead. This gives the emotional release without the relationship consequences.
Building Longer-term Skills:
- Learning to recognize body signals that panic is building (tight chest, racing thoughts) before hitting "send"
- Creating a "panic playlist" of specific activities to do when the urge hits, like taking a walk or calling a friend
- Practicing self-soothing statements: "They were responsive earlier today," "They have their own life," "This discomfort will pass"
Changing Thought Patterns:
- Questioning assumptions: "What actual evidence do I have that something's wrong?"
- Exploring alternative explanations: "Maybe they're in a meeting," "Their phone might be dead"
- Building tolerance for uncertainty: "I can handle not knowing for a while"
The most effective approach usually combines these immediate tools with deeper work on attachment security. Many people find it helpful to have a "support buddy," someone they can contact instead of sending multiple messages to their romantic interest.
In 12-step world, that “support buddy” is usually your sponsor. These are wonderful suggestions, and a great addition to my advice on surviving withdrawal. I would extrapolate some of them to use for any addictive craving: drink, drug, cigarette, bet, purchase… some AA old-timers use a “ground” method they call the Coffee Cup Meditation: “I am drinking my coffee, while I am drinking my coffee, while I am drinking my coffee…” AA was always very big on coffee.
It may comfort you to know that I have not spiraled and sent multiple messages to anyone in a long time. Not saying it will never happen, but one day at a time I have respite in that area, and I am grateful. I can even sit down and read a book. I’m thinking of re-reading Isaac Asimov’s I, Robot, actually.
I’ve been long suspect of AI. Anyone who has watched The Terminator would have some concerns. I was impressed however with Claude and the almost seamless compilation of knowledge. The conversation seemed notably human. It is indeed a brave new world.