Surviving Withdrawal

Tips and Tricks to Get You Up Off the Floor

Three women of whom I’m very fond (note: my 5th grade English teacher would be proud of that sentence construction…) ended relationships recently. One was after 8 years, one after 2 years, one after 2 months. One was her idea, one was mutual, one got dumped. But, but as the late John Bradshaw reminded us in his early work on codependency, abandonment is painful no matter who is doing the abandoning. These women are all in withdrawal, and withdrawal sucks. I feel sad for all of them.

The one hit the hardest is the one mourning the 2-month-long relationship. That doesn’t surprise me; those fresh infatuation chemicals, the ones that produce that delicious feeling of limerence, are the most intoxicating of all. The higher you get, the harder you crash. That’s just physics. Anyway, I don’t think the intensity of withdrawal has much to do with the length of the relationship, or the health of the relationship, or for that matter the other person in the relationship. I think it is all about the level of love addiction in the person doing the withdrawing.

I am not and never have been here to give relationship advice; you would be an idiot to take it. I have been married and divorced three times. I am not good at maintaining relationships. But I am pretty good at helping people get through withdrawal. So, as the nice man said as I was lifting my bag into the overhead compartment, let me help you with that.

First and most important: Withdrawal is a physical reaction to an emotional event. All those lovely neurotransmitters the relationship provided are draining from our brains like water escaping a leaky bucket. I always say that withdrawal is closer to a nicotine fit than to clinical depression. It’s depressing, yes. But that’s not the same thing. Withdrawal feels like the flu. It makes you nauseous and gives you headaches. You have no appetite. I’ve had withdrawals where I couldn’t sleep because of the scenarios whirling around my hamster head (“I should have said that, and then he would have said that, and then I would have said that and then he would have said that…”) and some where I didn’t have the energy to do anything but sleep.

These symptoms are not unlike a hangover (withdrawal from alcohol) or being dopesick (withdrawal from heroin) except for the "I should have said that” part. It’s because our bodies strive for homeostasis, or balance. We get too hot, we sweat to cool off. We get dehydrated, we gulp water. Our bodies strive to balance pH and liver enzymes and God knows it strives to balance neurotransmitters, which is why you can’t stop obsessing about phoning the person just to hear the sound of their voice because the sound of their voice will flood your brain with happy hormones and you will be able to finally fucking exhale.

Then you have to withdraw all over again when the object of your obsession still doesn't want to love you forever. So I don’t recommend that. Plenty of people opt for finding someone else to make you feel good. “Getting over someone by getting under someone else,” as advice columnist Dan Savage puts it. I consider that the dubious luxury of normal men, to quote the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. For one thing, it’s not nice to use another person just to make me feel better. For another, it isn’t very reliable and usually doesn't last - we only found ourselves back where we were before, and worse, to quote Cocaine Anonymous literature.

So how do we achieve homeostasis, how do we supplement our brains with the stuff it’s withdrawing from? The good news is, we can get high on our own supply. We are our own best drug dealers.

You miss the dopamine that comes from the excitement and anticipation of a new romance? Dopamine is all about novelty and anticipation… maybe a touch of danger thrown in, which is why illicit affairs are so intense. What about skydiving, or rollercoasters, or scuba? Any time you try something new and challenging you are squirting dopamine, be it snake-charming or pickleball. Tame a horse. Climb one of those weird rock walls in the mall.

Serotonin is the mood leveler. It’s the security that comes from feeling connected to a partner. You know what else produces serotonin? Sunlight. Get your ass outside. Good quality protein is also a great serotonin booster: hit the tofu if you’re vegan, salmon if you’re not. Get a massage, take a bubble bath, get a pedicure. Socialize. You want some great happy hormones coursing through your body? Join a choir. Community and the music taken together are like medicine.

You notice I am not recommending actual medicine for any of this. For one thing, I am not a doctor. For another, in my experience drugs are rarely a good solution for addiction.

Last and most notable in its absence is oxytocin. Oxytocin is what we get from those long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days (okay, kids, what am I quoting this time?) Also orgasm. Oxytocin is the Cuddle Chemical, it’s Love Potion Number 9. It’s irreplaceable… but it can be supplemented. Hugging is a great oxytocin release. Hug your family, hug your friends, hug the people in your church group or 12-step meeting - in a safe, non-sexual way, of course. Even Zoom meetings help, since eye contact itself increases oxytocin. Prolonged eye contact with a dog increased human oxytocin levels by 300% in controlled study! Definitely hug a dog. (Or a cat, if you must.)

I have one more recommendation to share, a trick that reliably increases all of these hormones. You’re going to hate it. It sounds dull and old-fashioned and not sexy at all. The trick is… being of service. Volunteering. Giving to charity. I know, I know. It sounds simplistic and goody-two-shoes. But there are good solid studies that show the fastest way to get yourself out of fetal position on the floor is to do something nice for somebody else. Random acts of kindness. It couldn't hurt, and it might help more than you know.

Or you could go with the snake thing.