The Goon Show

Not the old British comedy. Still kinda funny.

Gooning is taking over the internet. It reached escape velocity with Daniel Kolitz’s article The Goon Squad in the November issue of Harper’s magazine, and has been all over my podcast feed since then. It’s pretty funny listening to NPR hosts talk about marathon masturbation sessions, tbh. Gooning, if you haven’t been introduced, started out as slang for masturbating to porn until you’re a brain-dead goon. Nothing new there. But it has been refined since the term was coined around 20 years ago.

These days, gooning refers specifically to the practice of hours-long masturbatory sessions to intense supercuts of internet porn that edge toward but do not achieve orgasm. Rather, the gooner aims for a transcendent, meditative “goonstate.” Practitioners are usually Gen Z men, often in the virtual (or even IRL) company of other men. It has become a sophisticated niche subculture. Or so they say.

Question is… is gooning a fetish, like feet or leather underpants? Is it a new form of transcendental meditation? Or is it, almost by definition, sex addiction? That’s why it ended up in my feed, after all. Interesting question. Let’s discuss.

“Gooning is a new kind of masturbation,” says Kolitz. “More precisely, a new kind of masturbation at the heart of an internet-based, pornography-obsessed, Gen Z–dominated subculture every bit as defined and vibrant as the hippies or punks in their prime.

“The act itself resembles ‘edging’—repeatedly bringing oneself to the point of climax without actually climaxing. But gooning is more goal-oriented and more communal. The gooner goons to reach the ‘goonstate’: a supposed zone of total ego death or bliss that some liken to advanced meditation, the attainment of which compels them to masturbate for hours, or even days, at a time.”

So they build goon caves with multiple screens hosting 24/7 porn feeds, and they exchange their favorite porn clips with fellow practitioners—either as a show of camaraderie, or a competition, or a money-earning side hustle. Nothing to worry about; this is just another online community of like-minded hobbyists. According to Men’s Health magazine, gooning is “a way to self-soothe or quiet their brains.”

“They were, I had come to feel, emissaries of a future I could just barely glimpse,” says Kolitz in his Harper’s piece.

Vice magazine says that half of all men surveyed have gooned at least once. “But the highs don’t come without risk,” the article continues. “Roughly one in seven participants admit they need more extreme or niche content to stay aroused. Some report desensitization to real-world sex, and 7 percent say their desire for real partners has nosedived.”

About 4 percent said gooning has interfered with daily obligations, and 8 percent struggle to stop once they start.

Ding ding ding. Now you have my attention. All addiction is, by definition, “the obsessive and compulsive use of a mind-altering substance or behavior despite negative life consequences.” Desensitization to real-life sex, interference with daily obligations… these are negative life consequences according to anyone, including the gooners themselves. And when Men’s Health points out that it’s only 4 to 8 percent of gooners who experience this, as they will, I will point out that only 4 to 8 percent of drinkers become alcoholics. Only 4 to 8 percent of pot smokers become drug addicts, and only 4 to 8 percent of people who watch the movie Titanic become love addicts. That’s because 4 to 8 percent of humans have the wiring that will get addicted to whatever it is that tickles their brain in just the right way.

Go back and read the Harper’s article alongside this standard checklist of addiction’s defining features:

Loss of control:
Inability to resist using the substance or engaging in the behavior, even when it causes harm.

Compulsive use:
Persistent and intense cravings and an overwhelming urge to use or engage.

Neglecting responsibilities:
Prioritizing the substance or behavior over other important aspects of life, such as work, relationships, or health.

Tolerance:
Needing increasing amounts of the substance or engaging in the behavior for the same effects.

Withdrawal:
Experiencing physical and/or psychological symptoms when use is discontinued.

Are there marathon masturbators who don’t exhibit these symptoms? Sure. But they probably don’t identify as gooners; they just like jacking off. Gooning—“doom fapping,” some Redditors call it—is, by definition, a method to hijack the brain’s dopamine and oxytocin receptors. The more you supplement that stuff from the outside, the less your body is able to manufacture it. So you need more. So you supplement more. So you produce less. And so on and so on.

I don’t think porn is dangerous (although it can be dangerously misogynistic, which is a topic for another writer). Nor do I think there’s anything wrong with masturbation. I just find that some things are “the dubious luxury of normal men,” as The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous put it almost a century ago.

Is gooning sex addiction? Sure it is—if you’re a sex addict. Is it a little weird? Absolutely. But no one’s going to publish a long read about spooning, now, are they?