You Rattled?

My cage is making noises...

I’ve been MIA for so long that some readers are worried about me. I’m okay - really, I am. Beard Stubble is no longer residing in my state and rarely in my mind. It took a minute, but time heals and the program of recovery works. Go figure. I think I’m writing here less for a few reasons. One, I’m a lazy fuck. My answer to “Why do writers write?” has always been “Deadlines and paychecks, baby.” Since I refuse to charge for this blog and have no one to set a deadline for me, there’s not much of a fire under my ass. Also, I’ve been doing this for a while now, on Substack and on Tumbler before it, so I’ve already said a lot of what I wanted to say. And of course, I am at a stage of life where my sex life is far less entertaining than it was a decade or two ago.

But that doesn't mean other people sex lives aren’t entertaining. For instance… a friend showed me the dating profile of someone who had approached her online.

“A pro and a con of dating me,” said the profile. “After a series of unexpected events, I find myself idling in a platonic, nesting ENM situation but my heart is set on a more traditional partnership.” What were my thoughts?

My thought: “So what exactly is the Pro argument here?”

As you know, I love to translate Dating App Speak. Even IRL Speak. Here’s my translation of that paragraph: “Hey there. I’m looking for a sidepiece but hoping to find one hot enough that I will ditch my longtime loyal spouse for her.” Somewhat less attractive of an offer, IMO.

Now, I don’t have a strong opinion about Ethical Non-Monogamy, other than I’m strongly not interested in it for myself. My experience is that most of the partners of people in open relationships have no idea that they are in an open relationship, and I don’t care to be the reason they find out. But I’m a boring old cis-het woman. That Pro and Con ad was posted by a lesbian looking for another lesbian. The world has changed.

So here’s my ask: Send me some of the most puzzling or self-defeating or unintentionally revealing or just downright funny dating profiles or messages you’ve encountered. Let’s parse them together. If nothing else, it will give me an excuse to write. You even have my permission to set a deadline.

(PS - if you’re shy, you can stay anonymous by texting me at talktoethlie@gmail.com or ethlie@ethlieannvare.com)