Why, Yes, That Was Me

So flattered you recognized my voice...

Around 42 1/2 minutes into this episode of The Savage Lovecast, one of my longtime favorite podcasts, are the Listener Response Calls. The first of them — the throaty, sultry voiced one — is, indeed, moi. (Careful if you’re listening in public, because the second Listener Response Call is absolutely, positively Not Safe For Work.) Listener feedback is a regular feature of the show, and I almost always have an opinion. I wrote a whole column about it, once. But it was only last week that I actually called up to tell Dan what I thought. We’re on a first-name basis because we have a deep and meaningful parasocial relationship, plus I’m older than he is.

Technically, I recorded a voice memo and emailed it. Same result, clearer audio.

What prompted me to open my phone was Dan’s overly warm, I thought, response to a caller whose girlfriend “went nuclear” when she caught him flirting online with randos and sexting with an ex. Dan took the guy’s side, saying the girlfriend never should have snooped into his activities and she absolutely overreacted to his infractions. “You didn't put your dick in somebody else and then have unprotected sex with her. You fucked around on the internet a little bit.”

Well… define “a little bit.” The caller says he was flirting with and sexting with “dozens or hundreds” of women a night. Dozens or hundreds of … maybe men and women, now that I think about it, as he was quick enough to flirt with Dan on the phone. The caller says he was unable to stop doing this online intriguing even though he had a genuine desire to stop, having committed to his partner that he would stop. He thinks he’s a good guy because he meant well, and I guess he judges himself by his intentions rather than his actions. Classic addict/alcoholic trait; they talk about it in the AA Big Book. Me, I judge people by their actions. My dog does not eat because I intend to feed him.

With these kind of numbers and his inability to quit the behavior despite his fervent desire to quit, I say this guy is a classic sex addict. Dan Savage doesn’t believe sex addiction is a thing. Still, that wasn't actually the point I called in to make.

The point I was making was, what about the “dozens or hundreds” of people he was flirting with? What about the way he was wasting their time and their emotional investment, implicitly promising something he was in no position to give? That is selfish and thoughtless and shitty. And it is common. People use online dating apps as a way to get validation hits without giving a thought to the person on the other end of the flirtation. They even call it noble because, hey, it’s good for your relationship to be reminded that you are a sexual creature.

“I think it's good that sometimes we flirt with other people and we get that affirmation of our desirability,” says Dan. “And then if we're plowing that sexual energy and erotic energy into our relationship, our partner benefits from that.”

Oh, your partner benefits, how lovely. What about the poor girl on Hinge who is still waiting for you to come kiss her all over? You just got a nice hit by deceiving someone else, and in my mind that’s not noble at all. Especially when I’m at the wrong end of that empty flirtation. And, trust me, I have been.

Of course, I have been the shitty party in these interactions, not just the shat upon. It took me a while to notice how incredibly selfish and dishonest my own love addiction was. I was already in recovery by time they invented Bumble, so my jam wasn’t endless flirting online to make myself feel pretty. I did my intriguing in person, but I was still pretending to offer something I was in no position to produce. Plus, poor me with my low self-esteem and my broken picker (poor, poor me), I was always going for the unavailable man, never giving a thought to the time and attention — and meals and bouquets and jewelry — that I was robbing from his wife. Talk about selfish and self-centered.

“I think all adults need a zone of erotic autonomy,” says Dan, and I don’t disagree with the concept. The question is, what impact is your erotic autonomy having on others? We addicts have a tendency to see ourselves as the perennial victim because we’re so unhappy to much of the time. We have trouble recognizing ourselves as perpetrators. I need that attention, don’t you see? I need it more than you do because I am in pain, too much pain to stop and consider how my actions affect you.

As I said in the book LOVE ADDICT: Sex, Romance and Other Dangerous Drugs: “Like an abusive, bedridden relative, love addicts often use their pain as an excuse for misbehaving… When I’m on the floor whimpering over my theoretical broken leg, I’m simply not thinking about you. I’m thinking OW, MY LEG! OW, MY LEG. OW, MY LEG!”

Turns out that the goal of the sex addict on the call is to get back with the woman who went nuclear on him. So I guess he’s a love addict, too, because you know how incapable we love addicts are of leaving a relationship, even one where both Dan Savage and the police have been called. Dan says he would be doing himself a favor if he broke up with her. I think he would be doing her a favor.

Here are some more thoughts on sex and love addiction. Also, another opportunity to recognize my voice.